Girl with a one-track mind

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Five

Today is the five-year anniversary of this blog. Happy birthday to me. I was considering ‘celebrating’ today with a New Year’s-type post about all that I’ve learned in 2008; or about the personal struggles I have had to contend with; or with news about the book and other things, but somehow it just feels trite to summarize the aspects of my life over the past year that have had a huge impact on me. Let’s just conclude that I am busy, up-and-down, and hopeful for what 2009 might bring. (And if you want to keep up with my boring day-to-day moaning you can always follow me on Twitter.)

I am in the midst of writing another, much longer, post about casual sex, which I’ll be putting up here shortly, but in the meantime, and with a certain New Year’s reflectiveness, I thought I would briefly mention something I just had a quiet realisation about. It’s of no importance (or interest, even) to anyone else, but for me it feels like some kind of ironic serendipity and perhaps even mildly profound, so I wanted to note it down here.

All the men whom I’ve met in the last couple of years and become intimate with and have cared about I met solely through this blog. If it weren’t for my writing it, I wouldn’t be lucky enough to count amongst my close friends a small handful of men who’ve touched me. And yes, I do mean that literally. I can honestly say that I never expected the blog to impact my personal life in positive ways at all and I am very pleased it has. So with this fifth blog-birthday, I guess I want to express how thankful I am for the happiness it has given me, and that I'm looking forward to how it might influence particular aspects of my life in this new year…

// posted by thegirl @ 6:36:00 PM

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Toys

A little while ago I created some Top 10 Toys' lists for Lovehoney. Dimwit that I am, I've forgotten to mention them until now, but if anyone's interested, here are the sex toys I recommend for Women, Men, and (straight) Couples.

A quick thank you to the boys who helped me, um, research these. I hope it was as much fun for you as it was for me...

// posted by thegirl @ 12:02:00 PM

Friday, December 05, 2008

Approach

Apparently – and I'm not sure when this happened: maybe I'm out of the loop, somewhat – it has now become acceptable for someone to say "You look up for it!" when they are chatting you up, with no hint of irony, sarcasm or humour whilst doing so.

"Really?" I said, taking a physical step back from the man who decided to use that line on me last night and who had manoeuvered himself to the point where I could smell his (bad) breath, eg. less than one foot away from me. Too close, clearly, and certainly when you've been speaking with someone for less than a minute, invading their personal, physical space immediately is not the best way to make a good impression.

"Yes, really," he continued, "you do."

The first thought that came to my mind was, 'But I'm wearing a modest dress and a long cardigan, how can that be perceived as being "up for it"?'. My second thought was, 'It shouldn't matter what I'm wearing: you can't judge someone's sexual intent purely based on their sartorial choices (unless it's true that all guys showing man cleavage are trying to get laid?)'. My final thought was, 'I've not flirted with this guy in the slightest; I've given him no hints that I am interested in him sexually, or otherwise; the nametag pinned to my dress says "Zoe", not "Hi, I'm feeling really horny right now, how about you show me some hot cock action?" Basically, how fucking dare he be so rude?'

"Is that so?" I replied. "That's a bit presumptuous of you, don't you think?"

"Well, I'm a man: what do you expect?"

For you not to be a dickhead, that's what, is what I wanted to say. I sighed, loudly. "Yes, and I'm a woman. Your point is?"

"We all have needs" he said, grinning, and took another step towards me.

"Yes, well I need to go over there" I retorted, and headed as far away from him as I could, muttering 'Wanker!' under my breath as I walked away.

Clueless fucker. But, you know, I'm really not that challenging to approach and chat with. If that bloke had just introduced himself and then asked, "Angel or Spike?" he would have been right in there. Take note, fellas.

// posted by thegirl @ 12:15:00 PM

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Facts*

I want to be judged purely on the basis of my appearance.
I love it that men might think me attractive, because, like, that’s all that matters to me.
I feel validated if men want to fuck me: the more that do, the merrier.
I think it’s great that how I look is more important than what I have achieved.
I want to teach young girls that to get ahead in life, all they need is cosmetic surgery. They have to fight gravity and age; otherwise no man will ever want them!
I hope more women realise that if they’d only make themselves more attractive, then they would be more successful in their jobs. It’s all about being desired by men! Anyone that says it isn’t is an ugly feminist that needs a good fuck.
I think Jordan is a feminist icon. Making money out of your body? Now that’s real empowerment: a modern-day fight for equality. All women should strive for this.

I like denying myself pleasurable things because women should be martyrs.
I ate a cake once, in secret, but I try not to be ‘naughty’: skipping pudding means I’ll be slimmer and more attractive to men! Anyway, who says obsession with one’s weight is boring?
I always hold off from having sex on a date because not ‘giving in’ to men means I have ‘power’ over them.
I insist men pay for me on dates because that makes me feel feminine. The fact I earn more than them is irrelevant. Men buy and women put out: that’s just the way it is. You can’t fight human nature!
I think women should take responsibility for rape, by covering up more. Men, poor things, get worked up by seeing women’s bodies and it’s not their fault they then can’t control themselves. Testosterone is a very powerful thing!
I always fake my orgasms because I want men to think they’re expert lovers.
If Belle from Secret Diary of a Call Girl can prep her vagina with lube to pretend to her customers that she’s sexually aroused, so should all women.

I adore that when people say “sexy”, they mean “female”.
It pleases me that the default position in how sex is marketed is always male and heterosexist, or female and bisexual. Because women never want to see pictures of naked men: all of us are happier just to look at other women, don’t you know?!
I love it that porn is so focused on the male perspective, because as a woman I obviously have no interest in seeing it portrayed through a female gaze.
I don’t need to wank because, like, I’m not a man. Also, my boyfriend might get jealous.
I have no need for orgasms because cuddling is so much nicer and women don’t have the same sexual urges as men, anyway. Also, what’s an orgasm?
I like accusing women of being “sex negative” if they reject the mass-market monopolisation of their sexuality as a financial commodity.
I want to follow the advice in How To Make Love Like A Porn Star because my ambition is to be as sexually empowered as Jenna Jameson is. Also, I need to perfect my technique in faking orgasms. All women do.

*< /sarcasm>

// posted by thegirl @ 3:42:00 PM

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Gel

I am annoying. Very annoying. I am well aware I might irritate people and not only because I’m incredibly bossy, stupidly neurotic, or due to my frequently laughing at my own, unfunny, jokes. No, besides all that, there’s another reason I get on some folks’ nerves and it is this: I orgasm very, very easily.

Back in the days when this blog was just an anonymous obsession (rather than it now being a slightly embarrassing invisible pair of knickers which permanently hang around my ankles, tripping me up), I was often accused of being a man jotting down his sexual fantasies. ‘Women don’t think/talk/behave like that about sex!’ people would shout in the comment box, adding, ‘and women certainly don’t come like a fucking train all the time – that’s for sure.’ Well, if we were talking steam trains, then I agree, but if it’s the new fast-tilting-super-powered machines we’re likening my orgasms to, then yes, a “fucking train” I am.

I haven’t always come easily, but after I hit my mid-twenties, and certainly upon turning thirty, climaxing, for me, has never been about ‘if’, but only about ‘how many times in one session?’ I’m not one of those women of whom only 34% orgasm regularly: I come easily; I come often; I come hard; I always orgasm through penetration and usually forgo, by choice, receiving prolonged foreplay: I’d prefer a cock inside me now, thanks. I, frequently will come, fully clothed, just from a brief dry hump; I’ll come even if a guy isn’t great in bed because I know how to position my body just so, to get me off; and if a guy is skilled in the bedroom department, I’ll come even harder as a result. I like my orgasms, thank you very much, and whilst the journey getting there is wonderful, I’m much more partial to the destination. It’s not just the release of endorphins and pleasure that I enjoy; I’m also less moody as a result of climaxing, which is a bonus, I think. (NB. Any potential future partners reading this please take note.)

I’m sure some women might scan this post and think ‘Bitch’, or ‘Why can’t I come like her?’, or, even, ‘Focussing on orgasms means that those women who have difficulty climaxing won’t enjoy sex’. For that I apologise. I’m sorry if the truthful description of my orgasm pursuit or pleasure makes any women feel inadequate, or frustrated, or annoyed; that is not my intention. The reason I’m writing about my orgasms is because I just tried something that I think will help other women obtain them easier, and I’m all for more women climaxing. (Yay!)

Durex recently asked me if I’d like to try their new Play O Orgasm Gel for Women, which supposedly will “revolutionise” women's sex lives. I scoffed to myself when I read the blurb and then sent back a snarky reply saying, ‘I’m really not sure that I need it’. I think I probably sniggered, too, self-righteous prat that I am. But they responded tactfully, and argued that the gel was not only to achieve orgasm, but to actually enhance the sensation of it too: perhaps I’d still like to give it a go? What the hell: more intense orgasms? Oh, if you insist. Let’s call it a scientific test for womanhood.

And try it I did, with a cynical outlook and, most likely, a jaded expression on my face, crap sexblogger that I am. After watching some titillating gay porn (boy-boy never fails to arouse me: my Sylar+Peter Petrelli fantasy has kept me going on many a cold night), I rubbed a tiny drop of gel between my legs and sixty seconds later, WOW. One minute I was yawning with bored anticipation and the next I was wondering how the fuck everything felt so simultaneously cold and hot and engorged and OMFG I need to come right now stick it in me oh fuck yes. To say I was surprised was an understatement. I really thought the gel would do nothing for me, but I went from 0-60 in sixty seconds: it was full-on, volume-up-to-11 arousal, within a minute of use – without any other stimulation. Look mum, no hands! (Although I obviously then put them to good use, immediately.) With the gel making the entire area between my legs thrum like a fucking motor, it took me almost no time at all to climax, which I did, intensely, and, after I had recovered, my first thought was: this is like female Viagra. My second thought: all women should try this. Now.

Durex claim that 74% of the women who have used this gel are able to obtain an orgasm regularly and whilst I usually don’t swallow such hype, given the impressive effect this product had on me, I actually believe their statistic. I’m not suggesting that this gel will enable immediate access to orgasms (or the frequency of them that I manage) but if it offers almost instant arousal, and deeply happy throbbing, then that’s good in my book. And if it helps some more women to climax too, then it’s a no brainer for me to recommend it. You can obtain the gel here and I am genuinely interested in hearing other women’s opinions and experiences of it.

// posted by thegirl @ 10:39:00 PM

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Reload

Things I am doing today: repeatedly clicking 'reload page' here and grinning, widely, from ear to ear, as I watch the donations increase, and the silent majority finally speaking out.

It's a brilliant campaign: I cannot wait to see the posters on the buses.

// posted by thegirl @ 3:15:00 PM

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Opportunity

My dating life being fucked? Well, I suppose I could always take up one of the generous offers I receive:

Email: tom[redacted]@yahoo.com

Subject: i want no strings fun

Message: hi zoe im tom i want no strings fun with you i seen you on tv im 30 with brown hair want a SHAG OK MY NUMBA IS 07[redacted] TXT IF CAN N WILL RING U BK WEN DA WIFES NOT AROUND I WOULD LOVE URE TITS IN MY FACE WITH U ON TOP OF ME I LIVE IN [redacted] BUT CAN TRAVEL 2 LONDON 4 SEX OK YOUR LOOKS R WELL WORTH THE JOURNEY BABE NO STRINGS THOUGH YA

'Tom', don't hold your breath: I won't be making contact. Not now, or ever. Besides the obvious reasons (I never asked to be your 'friend' on Myspace*, fucker), it's safe to say I have a preference for men who don't cheat on their partners and who also never use txt spk: they're the two quickest ways to dry a woman up, I guarantee it. (A lack of personal hygiene in the cock area is the third way – but then everyone knows that.)

Seriously though, when I'm approached with an opportunity to shag a philandering, ignoramus dickhead, how could I possibly refuse? What a catch!!!

*Anyone that has 247 million friends is no friend of mine.

// posted by thegirl @ 10:17:00 PM

On the web

Recent posts

Blogs I read

Places I shop

Stats and stuff